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Hello everyone !

I feel good tonight, have been drinking coffee. My holiday is gonna be nice. I have slept all day., still have sleep, deserved to be little lazy, I think. The weather is not hot because it is night. I hear the sound of music played in a wedding ceremony in the town. It is a nice summer night.

Suddenly I think of my past, of how I was succesful and brilliant, how I got the rewards. People were congratulating me, every people in my town was talking about my success. But this thought does not last long. I come back to present and become aware of my present status that I am disabled.

My family were careful about me. My relatives really loved me when I was a child. I have lived a healthy childhood. After I became 15, I started a dormitory high school in İzmir. I have never been a hardworking person, a feature which my school did not want. Me and my friends were hanging out in the campus which our school located in. İzmir was a really good city.

But something was wrong inside of me. I said myself that I am not that hardworking and successful, on the other hand could not reject that I am brilliant. This conflict was going on. As a teenager I was trying to give meaning to all these things. My family were aware that I was not able to study too much, nor I have to. Yhey were just waiting for me to solve this conflict myself.

I had a science project in İzmir with a friend. We were doing presentations in a fair. I was good at convincing, doing presentation and taking a break for cigarette and yoga. We went to Ankara, stayed in a hotel, did our presentation. We got a reward from government. It was a pleasure.

But after some time, I started to think that I am not that person who was really successful. My personality was not stable at that time. I gave up the project, and all my relatives, family were shocked. They thought that I would have a nice life. But I was not willing to.

Now I think I don't have to regret or be proud of, but know who I really am. I have accepted my drawbacks, I love myself, and feel confident. All these things that I lived were small fluctuations but they were amplified by environment. I know who I am in really, independent of environment and those fluctuations. Yes I have a disability, but I am present at the same time. I am at peace with all being things surrounding me.

I started fast to life, got rewards and congratulations, but I had to have a personality at the same. Finally I understand all wisdom and build that person of who I am. I am thankful for all, confident, feeling special. and grateful of my past and present environment. They were nice.


-Onur CAN-

Living With Psychosis


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